A Not So Typical Morning

Nineteen years ago today, January 18th, 2007, I experienced my first "MS attack".

(Well, now that I am actually sending this, it’s been a little longer, but anyway…)

It kinda blows my mind that it’s been 19 years since my first MS attack. It simultaneously feels like yesterday and years ago and as I sit here today, I can’t help but reflect on the journey leading me to here, all that has changed, and all that has stayed the same.

On January 18th, nineteen years ago, what started out as a very typical morning, turned out to be one of the “biggest bangs” of my life, not so typical at all. It was an event that “came out of nowhere”, burned me down to ashes, and completely changed my life forever.

Though at the time it came in an unpleasant package, this package has proven to be a gift in many ways — I know that is a bit trite, yet it’s the truth.

But I will say, that it only transformed into a gift as a result of the way I chose to receive it, utilize it, and perceive it. I can see that now.

Back then, the way I saw it, I had three choices:

1.) Do nothing. It was only one “attack”, I could wait and see.

2.) Take medication and hope for the best.

3.) Take medication and do whatever else I can.

I chose option #3.

With that came A LOT of responsibility, change, discomfort, agony, pain, suffering, frustration, loneliness, and anger — things I don’t think I have talked about enough. I tend towards rosy lenses.

Alongside the above also came grace, joy, triumph, hope, love, excitement, passion, vigor, vitality, fulfillment, and purpose.

What is most important of all, this event initiated the biggest (on going) transformation of my life, the transformation of self from the inside out. It marks a time in my life where I made the choice to start giving a shit about my body and my health.

It awakened me to the fact that I had taken my body and my health for granted and that it was my responsibility to care for my body. She is mine. She is precious. A gift to value. She is dependent on me and I was ignoring her out of ignorance.

This one simple act, caring for myself, unlocked a steady stream of awareness, fundamentally transforming my understanding of who I am, what I need, and how I interact with the world around me as the years passed.

Furthermore, this act has brought meaning and purpose into my life in ways that I could not have imagined. It has brought me closer and closer and closer to my Self and to the wholeness that I have always been.

The Soul I have always been. THAT, my friends, is the gift inside the gift.

And it’s not to say I’m done or I have arrived, no no, this wisdom came with hard earned humility which has taught me to know better — I still have a ways to walk. I’m far from done, thus the acceptance of the journey.

Life will continue to throw me curve balls and questions that pose no definitive answers, but this gift inside the gift has been the soft landing, the grace that I have needed to make it through dark days, life’s challenges and disappointments. It taught me that I can and will endure, that life is both beautiful and gruesome all at once. That multiple things can and are true at once. That it is a journey and no single event totally defines this journey. My life is the result of all of the experiences that I have had and how I have chosen to navigate them.

The best part?!

Back then, I had zero clue that this was where I was headed. It happened organically over time because I chose again and again to keep caring for myself. To dive deeper. To keep peeling back the layers. To keep doing the work.

At first, I simply was doing what needed to be done. I accepted the invitation, though begrudgingly at first, and began to change my life. I chose to care for my body, to get to know her, and to build a relationship with her.

Now, though I am far from done or perfectly healed (what is that anyway??) I am extremely proud of the path that I have walked, the choices I have made, the person I have become, and the challenges I I overcame to get here.

I have a beautiful life despite the unpleasant packages that have been tossed my way. I also know not to take it too personally as we ALL get unpleasant packages, this is the nature of life, I am not special or alone in my suffering. Many have been diagnosed with MS, or worse.

Though I now see this hasn’t been about MS alone I can’t help but be grateful for the gift, for the choice I made all those years ago when delivered this unpleasant package. What started out as a very specific goal of staying out of a wheelchair has evolved into something so much more, I can see that now.

As a result, my life is pretty fabulous, I must say, and I feel pretty damn good/healthy. The work has been worth it, I wouldn’t change a thing. Most notably, I am grateful to say, I haven’t had another MS episode in more than 15 years.

You never know what will happen in life, but you can choose how you are going to receive it and what you’ll do with it. There is no “right” or “wrong” answer, it’s your life and your choice. The options are infinite — but do choose.

For me, the diagnosis I was given 19 years ago initiated a choice in my life towards a path that I now see has no end — and I’m totally fine with that. It’s why I choose it again and again each day. In fact, I love it. Makes life more interesting. I suppose I prefer the idea of evolving versus arriving.

The choice I made all of those years ago is the same choice I continue to make every day. To take care of myself the best that I can knowing “my best” has the right to ebb and flow. (I don’t live in rigidity, but rather, in fluidity, or at least I try.)

And sure, it’s tiring and exhausting at times, taking care of your whole self, you’re being, it requires ongoing effort, sacrifice, and compromise. I’ve had to let go of a lot of wants (not all 😉) and prioritize my needs which can be so annoying at times, to say the least. It is a labor of love for sure, but again, so worth it.

While I still feel like that same old Vas, the Vasiliki or “Vickie” (IYKYK) I have been since birth, I am also so different in ways that I cannot explain. Ways only I can feel and sense. Ways that are deeply comforting and nurturing. As my friend Dr. E explains, I have gotten deeper to my “core” my “true self” or “soul” by removing layers and layers of bubble wrap that surround it.

I can’t wait to reveal more.

It’s crazy to think that I have arrived here, where I am today, as the result of something “bad” that happened to me. Today, I thank that “bad thing” for awakening my soul.

Why do I share all of this? To share this one simple truth. That in choosing to take care of myself, I in turn have been gifted so much more.

My body is a treasure, this life is a gift. And imagine, I learned all of this by choosing to simply take care of me.

I hope this inspires you to care for your body and being! Get to know your body, build a relationship with them. You will be pleasantly surprised with what you discover along the way, that I know for sure.

One final note on what hasn’t changed… the love and support of my family, friends, and community. My whole life, I have been embraced by so much love! It is a honor and a comfort I do not take for granted to have this knowing in my life. That despite life challenges, not only do I have myself and faith, I also have all of you.

I have never walked alone and I thank all of you for that.

If you’re in a tough spot in life, facing challenges that seem too overwhelming to digest, start with you. Take care of you and the rest will unfold as it should. Take it one step at a time, but do take the steps, don’t set yourself aside.

Your body is your vehicle to live this beautiful life!

I’ll leave you with the wise words of Kit De Luca — “Take care of you.” 😉

PS… thanks for all of the encouragement on the book, where I attempt to share this journey in more detail, as it has been a task to say the least. But your enthusiasm and support has been a constant source energy to endeavor on. Thank you.

PPS… I’m so close to being done! I can see the light.

Photo below taken at the Long Beach MS Walk, 2013ish??